Evolution & Sex & Movies About Female Warlords

So, evolution is kind of a crazy thing to think about! It’s still largely a mystery, at that! We know that we have evolved. We know that life evolves. We know that species are constantly adapting and evolving through both natural and artificial selection. But we don’t know why and we don’t know the base origin. We don’t know why life exists or how or when it began. We know what the proper ingredients for life are. Or at least carbon-based life. Or at least our particular type of carbon-based life. But we don’t know why or how. 

Hell, we can’t even agree on if we’re living in a simulation or not. It almost seems obvious that we are. Because, why the fuck not? Everything is a simulation. What’s the difference and who cares? Simulations within simulations within simulations within simulations within simulations within simulations within simulations.  

It’s insane to think that just a mere 150 years ago the idea of evolution was an extremely obscure and even basically illegal idea to have. For that matter, everything we think we know about physics has basically been discovered within the last 100 years or so. There are so many mysteries left to be solved. To me, it kind of feels like humanity as a whole is in the stage of development where he’s that kid who just completed his first semester of college and thinks he knows everything there is to know about how the world works. 

We have evolved to find physical attraction in members of the opposite sex. That’s something massively mind-blowing and exciting to try to wrap your head around! If you really think about it and really examine the mechanics and functionality of sex, it’s fucking intense! It’s actually something I think about any time I try to have sex while I’m high. It totally gets in the way of my performance. I seriously cannot stay hard when I’m high, because all my brain will allow me to think about is how I’m this weird ass animal shoving this weird ass appendage into a hole in the body of a different weird ass animal of the same species. I think about how nature built me to crave this. I think about how this is what must be done in order for the species to continue. I picture apes fucking. I picture male cats raping their female counterparts with their barbed pussycat dicks while the female cats scream in agony. “How peculiar that nature has designed them that way! Maybe that’s why some cultures see cats as evil, hellish creatures. Ope, dick’s soft again...” I try to convince myself to see the sexiness in this carnal, animalistic side. “Oh, fuck yeah! I’m gonna fuck you so good! Because I’m an animal! I’m a ravenous beast and I’m hungry for sex!” And that’ll work for a short time, before I inevitably picture the pussycat rape scene again.

The biological urge to have sex kind of trips me out. The extreme desire to have it. The extreme pleasure that comes from it. The level at which we are urged by our subconscious to procreate and deepen the gene pool. It’s truly fascinating. Fantastic. Absurd. That’s just the tip of the iceberg too. No, the tip of the dick!  

What about the fact that men are designed to literally be able to procreate 3, 4, 5 times a day assuming he’s got enough fertile female at his disposal, while it takes a woman 9 months to fulfill her end of the deal. Assuming a dude can get 3 nuts off in a day, let’s see how many children a dude can potentiall create in the time it takes a chick to have one...  

9 months x 30 days per month = 270 x 3 nut busts per day = 810

So, if a dude had the means to do so, he could potentially father 810 kids in the time it takes his female counterpart to do her part in creating one. You would almost have to assume that of that 810 some would result in miscarriage, stillbirth, etc., but at the same time a certain amount would result in twins, triplets, etc., so I’d say it’d just about even out. But I’m no doctor. I’m merely an uninformed idiot speculating about things that are way above my level of education.

But even if I’m overlooking some important aspect, the fact remains that a dude can spread his genes at an almost comically expedient rate compared to a chick. I just wonder why. Why have we been designed this way? I wonder what evolutionary purpose this served/serves. I also wonder if this vast difference in reproduction time between the sexes is a potential contributing factor (or the contributing factor) in men being the dominating forces across all civilizations and empires. All the leaders and conquerors and barbaric savages who have spread their progeny across the globe have been men. It’s hard to imagine a woman, 7 months pregnant, standing atop a pile of lifeless bodies - an entire village that she has just ordered her people to slaughter in order to position herself as the ultimate power in that region. That’s something I’d love to see in a movie though! A straight action/fantasy or a comedy? That’s a tough call. Let’s do both. Fuck it. There are plenty of terribly unoriginal ideas. This is an original idea done in two different styles. Let’s just produce them both at the same time. They’d still be two very different movies! We’ll cast Kristen Schaal as the lead in one and Milla Jovovich in the other! 

jake chrismanComment