The Pinnacle of Douchey

Status symbols are something that have existed for thousands of years, across countless cultures. But I still don’t understand them. I just don’t get it. I just can’t see buying a million dollar watch. Shit, I honestly can’t even see the need for a $10 watch... 

I just don’t get it. I’m not even being judgey or pretentious. The idea of status symbols, or even fashion statements for that matter, is a completely foreign concept to me.

I hear people talk about how they wanna start just “keeping it simple.”

I’ve heard this same basic speech from an unreasonable number of people: 

“Did you know Steve Jobs and Elon Musk buy a bunch of the same shirts and pants so they never have to think about what they’re going to wear, because it saves them time and energy for more important things?! I think I’m gonna start doing that too!”

Um. I wasn’t even aware that was a fucking issue. Using up all your brain power on what you’re gonna wear. I own seven pairs of black basketball shorts and probably about 10 random t-shirts because every year for Christmas my mom buys me two shirts with cheesy puns on them. I have two long-sleeve shirts and two pairs of sweatpants. I buy a new pack of socks and a new pack of underwear every six months or so. New shoes when they start hurting my feet. I’ve probably put more thought into what I wear in the last 10 minutes of writing this than I have in the last year. Guess I’m just a regular ol’ Steve Jobs huh?! Silicon Valley watch out, because this highly efficient super-genius is about to make some tsunami-sized waves!  

I’m trying to think of any fashion accessory I’ve ever owned. I didn’t even get a class ring in high school. Fucking lame. In middle school and high school I used to be really into collecting concert t-shirts, but I literally haven’t bought one since high school. I also still have a few shirts from high school that fit me! Talk about efficient!  

Let’s see. The only actual accessories or jewelry I’ve ever owned are my wedding band (which I lost in the lake almost a year ago and still haven’t replaced) and a Garmin fitness watch that I wore for about eight months before I realized I’m at the pinnacle of human health and fitness and don’t need a stupid watch to remind me of it. 

My disposition against accessories, fashion, status symbols probably comes across as pretentious and douchey. But that’s funny, because to me, wearing accessories, following fashion trends, and indulging in status symbols is the fucking pinnacle of douchey!  


jake chrismanComment