The New DARE

 There was a point in high school where my parents thought I was taking steroids. I gained probably 20 pounds of muscle over the course of my freshman and sophomore years. I also had an anger problem. But I was a hormonal teenager. And I also had really bad role models when I came to knowing how to handle negative emotions in a healthy way. Which is ironic. There’s a couple different levels of irony there. One level is the fact that they attributed my anger problem to steroids, when they themselves were the creators of the anger. The other level of irony is how angry it made me when they accused me of taking steroids.  

 For the record, I’ve never taken steroids. I took creatine for several months if you years back and in that time also experimented with various pre-workouts. But that’s it. Honestly though, I think the only thing that stopped me from ever doing steroids was the perceived possibility that my dick would shrink. 

 How genius is that? The most affective any elaborate anti-drug campaign ever ran. Convince every man in a society that the size of his dick should be the most important thing to him and that actually it’s probably too small already, and then tell them if you take this drug it’ll make it even smaller. They should’ve used that tactic on all drugs. Just think of how much more successful “just say no” would’ve been if instead they’d have gone with “dugs make your dick small.” 

 Because, let’s face it. Guys don’t want their dicks the shrink.  Most dudes are already insecure about the size of their dick. So, boom. No boys are doing drugs. And when I was a teenager, every single girl I knew that did drugs were all doing drugs because a boy got them into drugs.  Voilà! I just solved the teenage drug problem! They should revamp the DARE acronym and make it Dicks Are Rarely Enormous or Drugs Are Removing Erections or something. I might try to join the organization myself. Run for President. I could end teenage drug abuse within a year! 

jake chrismanComment