The Eagle Egg Omelet

Do all birds lay eggs whether they’ve been fertilized or not, or is it just chickens? For that matter, what about reptiles? Amphibians? I’ve heard of people eating goose eggs, duck eggs. Turkey eggs? But are these the same as chicken eggs or are you literally eating a duck fetus? I have no idea, but my intuition tells me chickens are fairly unique in laying unfertilized eggs. 

Then again, I don’t know. Even human females lay unfertilized eggs once a month... 

I would love to feast on some alligator eggs though! Or some snake eggs! Anything and everything that lays eggs, I wanna fucking try it! I love eggs. I wanna open up a restaurant called Jake’s Eggs where all I sell is eggs. Eggs from every single species that lays eggs. Served any way you want them. 

Swan eggs, scrambled.  

Flamingo eggs, poached.  

Python eggs, over-easy.  

I wonder how many species there even are that lay eggs. I guess all fish, amphibians, reptiles, and birds. Wait, insects fucking lay eggs too! Jesus. That’s a lot of eggs. I wonder how many are unsafe to eat. Eh, just cook the venom out. Don’t be a pussy. There must be some ancient Chinese secret or something. Isn’t there some Japanese dish that contains some sort of super poisonous fish but the way they prepare it makes it safe? 

Okay. So, we’ve addressed the issue of safety. Glad we got that resolved. Something else I just realized though, is there is probably a great number of egg-laying species that are protected. You know, endangered species and shit.  

Oh my god!  

I just got the greatest idea!  

I want to be the first restaurant ever to obtain a permit to serve eagle eggs. I’ll serve an omelet called The America - it’s made with eagle eggs and American cheese. We’ll use red, white, and blue food coloring. Kinda like green eggs & ham, only... you know... red, white, and blue. Every The America omelet will come with sparklers in it and a complimentary American flag napkin.

People will protest my restaurant. They’ll say I’m disrespecting the troops by having people wipe their hands and mouths with an American flag.  

Just to counteract that, as a preventative measure, I’m declaring right now that all veterans get to eat absolutely free of charge!  



jake chrismanComment