Pornographic Nature

My wife loves to have sex while high. She gets a little ganja in her system and I can't keep her off me. I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite. I've diagnosed myself with an ailment that I like to refer to as cannabis induced erectile dysfunction. Without fail, I'll start taking my woman on a trip through pound-town and next thing I know I'm stuck on thinking about how fascinating it is that I'm this weird hairless ape thing that is literally, relentlessly, repeatedly....shoving a part of my body into the opening of a different weird hairless ape thing. Next thing I know, I've gone soft. She's high, so she gets all emotional.

"What's the matter, you don't like me??"

"No," I try to explain, "I was just thinking about how weird sex is... C'mon, let's do this!"

So, we get back after it and I put all my effort into just being in the moment and pleasing my lady. But, inevitably, my mind wanders off. I think about how nature built me to crave this. I think about how this is what must be done in order for the species to continue. I picture apes fucking. I imagine female praying mantises eating the heads off their lovers as they extract their seed. I envision male cats raping their female counterparts with their barbed pussycat dicks while the female cat screams in agony and tries to escape.

"How peculiar that nature has designed them that way! Maybe that's why some cultures see cats as evil, hellish creatures. Ope, dick's soft again..."

I try to convince myself to see the sexiness in this carnal, animalistic side. "Oh, fuck yeah! I'm gonna fuck you so good! Because I'm an animal! I'm a ravenous beast and I'm hungry for sex!" And that works. Momentarily. Then, lo and behold, I'm back to visions of pussycat rape.

Now, this is a problem because I really love to get high but I also really love to have sex with my wife. Must I choose between the two? The obvious solution would be for her to get high before sex and I get high after. But this still doesn't solve the problem of necrophilic homosexuality amongst the mallard population.

The fact is that, even in this fast-paced modern world, there is plenty of time in the day for me to make love to my wife, get high, and marvel at the complexities of copulatory behavior across species! There's no need for me to have to try to do all three at once. And now that I've already checked the first two off my list, let's tackle task number three!

So, as I've already stated, cats have barbed penises. More than 100 barbs. All cats. Well, not all cats. The females don't. All feline species. Though, it was kind of unfair of me to refer to it as rape, because leading up to the act, those bitches are begging for it! I mean, just straight up shamelessly, persistently fucking begging for a dicking. They don't realize that they don't really want it until it's too late. But then they just come back for more, kind of like a crack head. I think female felines definitely take the first place prize when it comes to sex-addiction. The barbs aren't just there to torture the females however, they do have a purpose. They actually serve two functions; to scrape out the sperm of competing males, and to trigger ovulation in the female. The females must mate several times before the ovulation finally begins. Lions, for instance, have sex upwards of 100 times a day when they are in baby-making mode. What's even weirder than that is some researchers believe that humans (or, technically, our predecessors) used to have barbed dicks and were phased out sometime before 700,000 years ago. Talk about BDSM!

Cats aren't the only ones with painful peni. Oh, no. On the contrary. Every time you see a cute little baby duck, just think about the fact that those innocent little ducklings only exist because a male duck raped a female duck with a comically large corkscrew shaped penis and all the cute little innocent male ducklings will grow up to do the same. In the kingdom of ducks, rape is sex. On top of that, ducks give no fucks. Ducks rape males, ducks rape females. Ducks rape. Period. There is a reported instance where a male duck was chasing another male whom he deemed fit for a fucking, when the one being pursued ran into a window, dying on impact, at which point the pursuant proceeded with his penile penetration. Thus, my prior mention of necrophilic homosexuality in the mallard community. While male-on-male rape is apparently quite common among ducks, that is admittedly (and unfortunately) the only reported case of such tantalizing homo-erotic necro-exotic mallardous exploits.

Another presumably isolated incident of strange sexual behavior in nature involves two bears who were raised in captivity. These bears, both male, in captivity from birth, never met their mother, shared a cage. Just to cut right to the chase....one bear would suck the other bear's dick. Several times a day. To the point of ejaculation. The same bear was always the giver and the same bear was always the receiver. They never switched roles. The scientists observing this strange behavior came to the conclusion that the bear performing the fellatio had decided the other bear's penis was his mother's breast and so when he received his "milk" he was satisfied. Well, I'm sure they were both quite satisfied. The thought of a bear repeatedly performing oral sex on another bear because he thinks he's nursing on his mother's breast could be depressing. Or, conversely, it could be quite beautiful. Both bears were presumably quite happy with the arrangement. Ignorance certainly is bliss.

Speaking of blow jobs, standard play among adolescent male dolphins brings a whole new meaning to the phrase. Yes, apparently male dolphins are known to make love to each other's blowholes. Not only that, but these ambitious youngsters use sex as a way to ease tension among themselves. I guess it's kind of like if two humanadolescent males are not seeing eye-to-eye they may end up scrapping it out in the schoolyard and then, next thing you know, they're best of friends. But instead of a fist fight, it's more like "hey, Johnny! Sorry I pissed you off, why don't you just stick your dick in my blowhole and we'll call it even?" This hypothesis could be validated by the fact that even once the males saddle themselves down with a wife and kids they still maintain sexual relations with their boys.

The Darwin's Bark Spider, native to Madagascar, has been observed performing oral sex. The males of this species are significantly smaller than the females (as is the case with most spider species), and the females are known to eat the males (as is also the case with many spider species). But within this particular species, the males have been shown to go down on the females up to 100 times during each love making session, and some researchers believe this may be the dude's way of persuading her to not snack him up when they're done.

Fruit bats are another species that perform oral sex. The females have been known to go down on the males frequently, both before and after intercourse. Researchers have determined that this makes the penis more rigid and firm and also may make for longer love-making sessions.

These are just some of my favorite examples of sex across species. There is (quite literally) a whole world of strange sex out there. Virtually everything you see in the natural world is fucking. Evolution as a whole is a pretty intense thing to attempt to wrap your head around. But then when you factor in sex it gets a whole lot more intense. The fact that sexual reproduction is believed to have begun over a billion years ago when some horny single-celled organism got the bright idea to literallygo fuck itself. The fact that virtually every species on earth today relies on sexual reproduction. From bears to beetles and from bedbugs to beluga whales. Honey bees and hedgehogs. Chickens, chinchillas, echidnas, and elephants. Humans and horses and swordfish and salmon. We all have sex. We are all driven to have sex. And we all must have sex.

The range of sexual activity amongst various species is endlessly vast, but at the end of the day it's all sex and if you boil it down and view it for what it is, it all looks pretty much the same. Regardless of species. From the extravagant courting techniques to the males fighting over mates all the way through to intercourse and eventual impregnation. The similarities between nature documentaries and shows like Jerry Springer, Maury, and even Jersey Shore and the like become glaringly obvious when you look at them through a lens of evolutionary biology.

If we watch other species have sex it's informative and educational but if we watch humans have sex it's porn and it's taboo. Regardless of the facts that, 1.)PornHub claims to host 81 million viewers a day, and 2.) it's how we're all here, both on the micro and macro levels. Micro being the fact that your fucking parents had to have sex in order for you to be able to read this, and macro in the sense that....hello, we are all the product of over a billion years of sexual reproduction.

jake chrismanComment