Vampsquitoes

Fuck mosquitoes. I think anybody would agree. I'd love to see an inter-species poll.Every species on the planet polled, "would you like to see mosquitoes eradicated?" Guarantee the only species who would object to that would be mosquitoes themselves.... and a very small sub-sect of humans who would then start referring themselves to MRAs (Mosquito Rights Activists), but they would all die off pretty quick - you know, malaria and shit. Oh, also maybe bats and frogs - I think those little shits eat'em. But hey, they might even be down... "fuck'em, they don't even taste good! I'd rather eat some fruit-flies or some shit!"

I wonder how bats ended up as the spirit-animal for vampires. It should definitely be the mosquito. Mosquitoes actually suck blood! That would be badass. I wanna make my own mythology about a vampire who instead of a bat is a mosquito. He lives in Florida. Yes! It's a whole little coven of vampires. Mosquito vampires. Who live in Florida. A few key aspects change, of course. One being - instead of garlic, these vampires are repelled by peppermint or lavender or whatever the fuck keeps mosquitoes away. Gonna have to do some research on that. Maybe instead of coffins, they sleep in fan boats. Instead of castles, they live in swamp shacks. Instead of crucifixes, people wear little miniature bug-zappers on their necks - which take three double-A batteries. 

Vampire mosquitoes. I think I wanna call them Mavripes. Or Pamvires. Mavripes or Pamvires. Definitely. Because, well. Vampire is already taken and means something else. So, I could go with mosquitopire or vampsquito but that shit would bother the fuck out of me. Nowhere in the name vampire is it implied that it's an undead, blood-sucking human that turns into a bat and sleeps in a coffin and kills people. There is no batly indication from the word vampire (unless there's some Latin translation that is common knowledge and I'm just showcasing my complete lack of education). So why should we combine the words mosquito and vampire simply for the convenience of an easily describable scenario of vampires that are mosquitoes instead of bats?! 

But... assuming this isn't some stand-alone mythology where within it people have never even heard of a vampire, I could totally see the news stations in Florida coming on with their breaking news of possibly mosquito-man related deaths and flashing "VAMPSQUITO ATTACK!!!" across the bottom of the screen. 

So, that's the final question to be answered. Stand-alone mythology? Or takes place in the same universe where traditional vampires are a thing? 

I guess eventually it would just start to be known by two different names. A certain amount of people would refer to them as vampsquitoes, and the rest would call them American vampires (or simply vampires, because Americans don't call American football American football - we just call it football).

jake chrismanComment